Whateverhappenedtomatthias's Weblog

so it’s been a long time, and here is where we’re at..,

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:53:51 +0000

-had lots more tests, saw the oncologist, who was less than encouraging. kind of like a bad job interview where you really wonder what they are looking for. They keep dropping hints. “so this must hurt like a toothache” well, it’s really just dull in my lower back, enough to notice, but with my underlying illness it’s hard to tell. “should feel like a high hot pain in front.” hesitation. “no, it’s a dull annoying pain low in my back” ”that time of the month must just be beyond pain” ”well, um, sort of, but not consistent” “so I think we may go in another direction.” er.., wait, that was the job interview not the Oncologist. He is very nice, his office team is truly top notch. I JUST WANTED ANSWERS not MORE TESTS! so I go to another ultrasound. The tech says she can’t find it, that “it’s resolved itself” and after the love & prayer of so many amazing people, I could believe it. But when I called the onc’s (pronounce aaahhhnks) office, she said everything looked the same as before. but I’m not putting a whole lotta credibility into that. She said HE hadn’t looked at the test results yet, which tells me, a well meaning nurse is mollifying me until he does. Must not be bad. no news is ALWAYS good news.

well..,

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 02:13:14 +0000

I went and did the test. lets just say it’s not the most pleasant thing I’ve ever been through. the radiologist kept asking questions like “have you ever been told you have endomitriosis?” “did you have a c-section?” then she told me the one thing that made my heart sink. the cysts on my ovaries arent filled with fluid, they are of mass, which means.., heavy sigh. I have to say honestly, I’m not sad for me. I know God has a plan. And every day, I am just reminded that all things are for his glory! but when I went to get pizza for the kids, and I was sitting there, i almost cried. I’m sad for my kids. sad that this may make them afraid. sad that I might miss something important. but then, I reminded myself that God is in control, and that we are taking each day as it comes. I taught at VBS tonight, and all of the camera’s died. all 11. dead. yeeesh. One positive is, I look into each kids face, not as a passing moment, because I’ll have another, but actually looked at the color of their eyes, the excitement, the boredom. I just got a beautiful email from Sara. I am the most blessed person on the planet. the sunset was beautiful tonight.

much better

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:25:21 +0000

everything went much much better tonight. the kids got to take pictures and the time frame was correct so everyone had fun. thank you God! my daughter, who is 7 had a weird little meltdown during her class, so she was brought to me. she just clung to me. her shadow hugged my shadow. she said she missed me. I love that, but I worry that she is too much in need of me. when things start happening with my illness, how will she be? My heart aches for this. my big confirmation diagnosis test is tomorrow. hope I sleep tonight.

i suck

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:55:24 +0000

there’s just no other word for it. we started vbs tonight, and I was the photo zone teacher. the camera’s I selected were good, but now they don’t hold a charge and the kids didn’t get to take pictures.., and it was just a nightmare. I felt helpless, and I should have known what to do. I feel bad that the kids got cheated. rats. gonna hit it early tomorrow and get it worked out.

no fighting!

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 03:05:11 +0000

tonight I had the opportunity to hang with a couple kids after teaching. the lesson had been about “phlipping your fear” (phillipians.., get it?) and they were continuing the discussion that we were working on regarding fear, and how asking God, well he can take your fear & phlip it. they were both telling me that the times they are most afraid is when their parents fight. I’ve had 3 doozeys with my husband, and I was stupid enough to think my kids didn’t hear. I was assured by these two, that kids hear everything. The 5th grade girl was quite eloquent. she said it didn’t matter what was being said, it was just the sound or the tone coming through the wall. It made her so afraid her stomach hurt. you could see just the thought of it made the 3rd grade boy just zone out for a moment, as if he were remembering something very bad. I will strive to watch my tone, and pray that those around these two are silent also. there is such beauty in these kids. all of them. I am so blessed & lucky. I LOVE this job.

musings

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 02:35:53 +0000

I’m sorry if my first mention of cancer in this blog was too.., wierd, cavalier? dunno. I had more blood work done today, and I go for my ultrasound on wed. I’m drawing great comfort from my kids, and they don’t even know it. My son has taken to holding my hand again, and as he says “just for fun”. I wonder sometimes if they sense this disturbance in the force. ha. quite proud of myself for keeping things on an even keel. sometimes though, like at the baseball game tonight, the smell of the dirt and the heat on my face were just wonderful. I felt like an adventurer who may not pass this way again for awhile. Taking mental snapshots. I have always had a little frustration at the frivolity of small talk. “so where did they move?” “REALLY?” “I heard he lost his job” “something about..,” YEESH! now it is so totally amplified and I want to tune it OUT! With dermatomyositis, I have always lived each day as if it were a gift, so I have no regrets. it’s just a little louder in my heart tonight.

waiting for the letter

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 23:12:41 +0000

in the mail containing the orders for what I am supposed to do regarding the tests for this. I feel really alone right now, not so much Faithwise, but friendwise. I don’t really want to share, because right now, there is nothing definate TO share. And it seems like all my friends are having their own issues, so mine would be silly to heap, because, I state again, I really don’t know. I talked to the nurse today and they are adjusting one of my meds, and I hear it in her voice. usually brisque & clipped, “here’s what we’re changing” became, “how you dowin hun” “be sure to schedule the test right away”. Have I mentioned that I am way overly sensitive? You would think with the way that I am constantly trying to read people that God gave me a PHD or superpowers or something. I have neither. nice that she was nice. I really am not too worried about this, as school will start, and then I’ll have time to do the thing which makes this all go away, with God’s grace of course. with God’s grace.

vocabulary you can’t correct

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:36:51 +0000

I’ve talked to a lot of moms that have kids like mine, that make up such adorable words you can’t possibly correct them. the other night we were watching “design star” on HGTV and the contestants were starting to get a little catty. My daughter puts her hand on her hip, points her finger and says “that girl is a backsasser”. I mean, just try to correct that! My other fave from when they were little that I couldn’t correct: “Lastmorrow”. My son’s self portrait today

so I heard the “c” word today

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:31:38 +0000

honestly, it didn’t surprise me. there’s still a lot of tests to do to determine the extent, which a nurse from the rhuems office described with articulate crass. I am not afraid as I write this. I was worried for my husband and his reaction, but he is founded in the 4:8 principle at the moment, and we’ve agreed that God is in control and we’ll just keep moving forward. (the robinsons) I have a very rare autoimmune disease called dermatomyositis. I’d like to explain that here but there are so many variations regarding a definition that I am going to merely tell you what I usually say. (this is the mda version) my body’s immune system attacks the blood vessels that supply my muscles & organs, damaging them. this makes me weak, and sometimes very painful. I feel like I have the flu all the time. Ricky Bell from the Tampa Bay Bucaneers died from it awhile back and there was a TV movie. This however, is no movie. There is no swelling music, and I am not noble, nor a hero. I refuse to be defined by my illness, so I rarely share it with anyone. Unfortunately the illness is a lead in to cancer, so thus, I am not surprised. It must not be serious as it took 3 days to call, and the nurse was very reassuring. I know God is in control. I know that he is using me in the lives of these kids. If he chooses to use me in another way, ok. Maybe God chose to use Matthias in a different way, and we just never will know what it was. It’s time to gird up for the journey. Time to be prayerful and ready for the fight.

really. define “religion”

whateverhappenedtomatthias — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:32:20 +0000

so please read the news story below. This is totally cracking me up, not from a Faith basis, but moreover just a constitutional basis. He is suing the army for the discrimination of his religious rights. ok. so look up webster’s version of Religion. ( a practice of faith) according to this definition, Atheism couldn’t possibly be considered a religion. Atheist’s by their own declarations, don’t believe in anything. therefore, there is no religious discrimination. it doesn’t fall under the constitution.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/08/atheist.soldier/index.html